TELEPORT THIS by Christopher M. Daniels

TeleportWe have a couple of really really smart young scientists working in the area of theoretical physics with their own lab.   They make one of those once-in-a lifetime discoveries by inadvertently looking through a radio telescope the wrong way.  Here’s what they discovered:

Human life exits all over the universe and it is in fact so abundant that it oesn’t go out o its way to find more of itself.  Instead, it sits back and waits for other cultures to reach a level of technology that enables them to discover everyone else.

And what with one thing leading to another, they received instructions on how to build a teleporter.  Damn.  I want me one of those things.  I wonder if there are directions on Instructables.com or MakeUseOf.com?

So what do you think they did with their shiny new teleporter?  Of course.  Teleported.  Well, one at a time, and the first lucky one got to be Gilbert, who got himself teleported right into the middle of a gol darn space opera, you know,  interplanetary Mafia types, Universe version of the FBI, (or is it the CIA), intergalactic bad boy, cute chick  who pilots her own space freighter, a princess with her own planet, and cosmos safe houses.   Yeah, THAT kind of space opera.

So we have some guy named Jon running (ok teleporting) from the bad guys and the intercosmic police, folks running after the highly prized but illegal-to-have-in-one’s-possession Nirridium, and, oh golly, just all kinds of goofy mayhem.  It is what you would call a ‘romp’.  Well, I call it a romp, and LOL’d my way through this crazy tale, which in spite of its comic flare has you almost believing you, too, could be gallivanting around the galaxies.

You might ask how the engines on those giant space ships work.  Here’s how:

They create an event singularity that inverts the fabric of space-time while simultaneously converting extraordinary amounts of pseudo mass into pseudo energy and using that to propel the ship through a stream of pseudo space-time where velocity is only limited y the amount of energy you pour into it.

Ha!  Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Einstein!

Needless to say, Simon and Gilbert are geeks of the first water, and when the baddies trash their Earth lab destroying their teleporter, Simon says to his companions:

“I think a couple of thugs smashed it with baseball bats, said Simon.  “Look, there are the bats.  Gilbert and I don’t keep sports equipment here.”

“Do you or Gilbert even own any sports equipment?” asked Lyn.

“Of course.”

“Chess doesn’t count as a sport.”

“Then no.”

This is a really funny book, and makes you wish it were all true.  Because I would totally transport around the Universe, because they all have these translation implant gizmos which makes you think everyone is speaking your native language, while everyone else is thinking everyone is speaking their native language.

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